I am taking a vow of celibacy and a hiatus from dating and here is why.

My friend recently attempted to persuade me to let her set me up on a blind date. I had been in a serious relationship for the last 6 years. It recently ended, relatively amicably.

Most people enjoy dating. I do not. I feel awkward and uneasy like I am on a job interview. More specifically, A blowjob interview.

book-cover
YES! This book is for real, click the link to learn to give an expert BJ. Image courtesy of Jack

So, I have taken a vow of celibacy to avoid being set up on dates with my friend’s left- over tinder, SnapChat and plenty o fish finds.

Ancient Helmet - Chastity Belt
Image Credit  
Image by Ian Burt title “Ancient Helmet – Chastity Belt”

In order to thwart my friend’s efforts to toss me a bone, I am taking my vow very seriously.

So, I created an ideal man. At least a mental image of him. I didn’t go all weird science but, I did imagine him.

I will not date again until a man who is confident enough to believe and accept that he is funny, intelligent, financially adventurous, amazing in bed, interesting to look at, creative, and open-minded –  finds me interesting too and wants to take the proper amount of  time to get to know me before wanting a date. As for sex, the criteria are steeper. I am not interested in having a million one night stands like some of my friends do.

In order for a man to entice me into bed, he would need to meet these specific requirements.

I told my friend that the only way I would get freaky with anyone, would be if a specific scenario lined itself out, or I happen to meet someone organically and fall in love at first site. He would have to show up at a prearranged destination. He can’t have stalked me in a creepy manner.

If I don’t meet the love of my life and I am just going to hook up with some random dude, he would have to make a serious effort.

darth vader motorcyc

Image by Flickr user BikerKarl2013
titled darth vader motorcyc

He would need to arrive on a motorcycle while wearing a Darth Vader Suit with a backwoods blunt in one pocket and a black bean burrito in the other. He would need to be playing some sort of UGK like underground rap and take me to my favorite hotel, the one that has the huge waffles for breakfast, and he would have to make sure that Conway Twitty is softly playing in the background before he lays me down and puts me to bed like the j holiday song.

The Chaste and Virgin Bride

Image by: DeNovo Broome The Chaste and Virgin Bride

My friend had a hilarious response to my scenario when I repeated it to her. I was really just explaining my serious displeasure at her tagging my facebook profile on some random desperate guys post about needing a date.

 

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Image Credit Quickmeme Date Rape Dave

 

She said, “Honey, Darth Vader??? You have Daddy Issues. bad boy trouble and you seriously need to get laid.” I do not think she gets it.

 

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Image from Pinterest

 

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